Funny Jokes

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing ** *stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

Sorry put this in the wrong space. Can someone move it to spam please?

On friday Billy gets to school and finds his way to his desk waiting for his teacher to walk in. The bell goes and finally the teacher walks in, she starts off the class by saying "I am going to ask you a question and if you get it right you can go home and have an early weekend"

Now billy is like " Oh yes, i am definetly going to get this, I am not about to let an opportunity like this slip away"

The teacher starts to pace back and forth and finally asks " How many sponges would it take to soak up all the oceans?"

Billy mumbles, What the hell kind of a question is that. So of course no one knows the answer and so no one gets to go home early.

The next week the teacher does the same thing "How many bagels would it take to cover the Saharra Desert?"

Billy again starts to curse thinking what a $%@$ing dumb question like why would she ask that.

The next week Billy brings two golf balls and he dips them in shoe polish. After the balls are completley covered he sets them on the teachers desk. As the teacher walks in she notices whats on her desk and so she asks "Alright who is the comedian with the black balls?"

Billy instantly stands up and yells " Bill Cosby See you on Monday" and quickley runs out of the room

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your
Mommy there?'
' Yes .'
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What ! is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a
helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are
they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME.'

Did you hear about the blind circumscissionist?

He got the sack.

LOL TO THE JOKE ABOVE

What did the Kamikazi teacher say to his studens
"Watch this im only going to do this once"

One day a man went to see the doctor.
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news
Man: Bad news first
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live
Man: What could be worse then that
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday